


Twin Trouble

by Asuka Kureru (Askerian)



Series: Swingersverse [7]
Category: Magic Kaito, 名探偵コナン | Detective Conan | Case Closed
Genre: (no actual incest), Humor, M/M, Multi, Polyamory, Porn, Threesome - M/M/M, Twin Kink
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-12
Updated: 2014-08-12
Packaged: 2018-02-12 20:34:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2123739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Askerian/pseuds/Asuka%20Kureru
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kuroba and Kudo had to be on very good terms if they were a) calling each other 'boyfriend', b) doing cases together and c) on a first name basis. Especially on a first name basis, and in public too, and not even a -kun or a -san to be heard. Heiji tilted his head, frowning a little bit. Either Kudo was suddenly the kind of guy who trusted way fast or they'd known each other a good long while; but last week was the first he'd heard of this Kuroba guy, and damn it but Heiji <i>was</i> Kudo's best friend. "Where'd you guys meet?"</p><p>Kuroba grinned again, or more like upped the wattage on the grin that hadn't really left his face in full. "Oh, at a Kid heist."</p><p>"Ah, those are fun --" Wait a sec.</p><p><i>Waiiiiit</i> a sec.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this one had been complete but for the middle part of the porn for almost three years as well and i'm so happy to finally get it completed and posted because i fucking love the beginning and do find myself totally hilarious okay. >:X
> 
> Fair warning: it hasn't been betaread and probably won't be. if you do find a big mistake, feel free to point it out, and i'll fix it, but the little things, i'm determined not to go neurotic on 'em for once.

Kudo had called ahead to say he'd bring along a case, so when the train pulled into the station Heiji was already sort of excited. Something big enough that Kudo would rather not handle it alone? Sounded several kinds of awesome. Potentially horrifying, but also awesome. (Kazuha told him that having thoughts like that was the sign of a bad person. He didn't get what she was on about.)

He saw Kudo step off the train -- blue jeans, white shirt, black cap -- and jogged his way through the crowd, already grinning. "Oi, Kudo!"

"Hattori!" Kudo called back, and stood waiting for him with his suitcase at his feet as people rushed all around. He looked happy to be here, too, in his restrained, no-this-is-sarcasm-not-happiness-I-swear way. Heiji was kind of tempted to kiss him, a great loud 'oh, _you_ ' smack right there in public.

"Hey, Kudo."

Kudo rolled his eyes, and parroted obligingly, "Hey, Hattori."

"Hey, Hattori, been a while."

Heiji waved his hand. "Yeah, hi t' ya too, Ku--"

... What.

He was vaguely aware that the Kudo in front of him was cracking up.

The Kudo standing to the side was merely grinning wide enough to make him wish he would, and get it over with.

"I'm seein' double," Heiji said slowly.

Blue jeans on both. (Tight, none of that ass-hanging, too-wide unsexiness.) Button-up shirt, sleeves rolled up to their elbows, only one of them wore white and the other one black. Hello symbolism. Suitcase, backpack. Black cap, no cap... but what on his Kudo would be a massive case of bed hair.

The two Kudos exchanged an amused look. The black-shirted one stepped -- _danced_ \-- up to him, and threw a friendly arm around his shoulders to herd him out of the way of the stampeding commuters. Heiji went along with it, thoroughly baffled. (Damn but this Kudo twin was friendly. Just as cute as the original, too.)

"So I hear you're the other, _other_ woman. Nice to meet you!"

\-- _Oh_. "Nice to meetcha -- wait, I'm no woman. 'specially not Kudo's woman." He gave the flat chest under that black shirt a pointed look. "You binding or somethin'?"

The guy cracked up. Behind them Kudo's eyes were shining in both amusement and approval for Heiji giving as good as he got.

Kazuha'd told him some about Neechan and Kudo's new boyfriend but somehow he hadn't thought he'd look like a twin fantasy come to life. God. "You kinky bastard," Heiji whispered to Kudo. The twin cracked up again, crumpling on his shoulder. Heiji wondered vaguely if enjoying that meant he was being disloyal.

Kudo sighed long and loud, pretending to be put-upon. "So... Yes. Hattori, this is Kuroba Kaito, who coincidentally hired me for the case I'm now hiring you for. Kaito, Hattori Heiji."

"Oh, neat," Heiji replied. He almost asked about the case right there, but they were still in the middle of the train station, damn it. If Kudo had to come in person instead of doing it by phone then saying anything out there would be pretty stupid. With a sigh, he told himself to shelve it away for later, and think of other stuff for now.

Like, oh, the fact that Kuroba and Kudo had to be on _very_ good terms if they were a) calling each other 'boyfriend', b) doing cases together and c) on a first name basis. Especially on a first name basis, and in public too, and not even a -kun or a -san to be heard. He tilted his head, frowning a little bit. Either Kudo was suddenly the kind of guy who trusted way fast or they'd known each other a good long while; but last week was the first he'd heard of this Kuroba guy, and damn it but Heiji _was_ Kudo's best friend. "Where'd you guys meet?"

Kuroba grinned again, or more like upped the wattage on the grin that hadn't really left his face in full. "Oh, at a Kid heist."

"Ah, those are fun --" Wait a sec.

 _Waiiiiit_ a sec.

He stared at Kuroba. Kuroba grinned back. He stared at Kudo. Kudo sighed and looked vaguely apologetic. He stared at Kuroba again, who somehow, impossibly, added another inch of length to his grin.

"Kudo. _Kudo_. You _didn't_."

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Kudo said, blinking wide innocent Conan eyes at him.

Heiji recoiled. "Gyeah! Don't do that."

God. He needed a second to digest that. He took a step back, a hand raised to ward the both of them off for a second.

Okay. So.

The guy Kudo and neechan were dating...

...Just so happened to be _the friggin' Kaitou Kid_. Who was a thief! A really well-known thief! And who was ... smart enough to keep giving Kudo _and_ him _and_ Hakuba the slip... and who'd... never killed anyone and sometimes risked himself to make sure that trend kept going... and didn't even _keep his prizes_ , seriously what the hell... and who was really kind of funny, for a world-renowned criminal, not that Heiji'd be admitting that out loud anytime soon.

Alright then.

He'd never really been under any illusion that the Great Detective of the East was some kind of pure incarnation of The Law anyway -- murder was always bad, but anything else that might get in the way, Kudo could get pretty cavalier with. Actually, Heiji would bet he and Kid were neck to neck on the breaking-and-entering front by now... Heiji looked from one to the other again, expression sobering. They were watching him, expectant, perhaps a little tense under that amusement.

"So, this case. Illegal cloning?"

Kuroba burst out laughing first, tension released all at once, hugged him around the shoulders again. "Man," he said to Kudo, still snickering, "if you were my gene donor, would that count as twincest or father-son?"

"Hel _lo_ ," Kudo muttered as he started walking, shoulder bumping Kuroba's as he went. "Turned off for _life_ here..."

Heiji fell into step with them, listening to their rapid-fire back-and-forth. This was like getting a private performance by a pair of very hot comedians. This visit had barely started and it was already awesome.

\--

The second he gave Kid permission to explore the guy was off like a shot, bouncing on the tatami like it was a trampoline instead. Something had to be wrong with the guy's legs.

"We're gonna find whoopee cushions in my dad's office for years to come, huh."

Kudo let out a little amused noise, not really a laugh, and then let it die.

"Ah, Heiji... I don't think he was _trying_ to skip out and let me explain to you, but there's that bit he never likes telling much. Might as well get it out of the way before he comes back."

Aha. The case. Heiji sat cross-legged on his cushion, all his attention redirected onto him. Kid would leave pranks all over the place or he would not, Heiji would find out later, but for now...

"He's looking for the guys who killed his father." Kudo passed him a couple of folders over the low coffee table. Heiji picked them up and started thumbing through the pages. "For a while we thought it was Black Org, but..." Kudo shrugged, gestured toward his own, adult body. "They went down a while ago and someone's still taking potshots during Kid heists."

Heiji felt a little shiver going up his spine. "Maybe a solo operative?"

"Unlikely. There's transcripts of some discussions Kaito had or overheard, you'll see. As for the total size of the operation, there's no way to tell -- smaller than Black Org, but that covers a lot of ground."

Huh. Weirdness. "Black Org didn't swallow it?"

"No. We unearthed new intel from the Black Org files recently -- apparently this mystery outfit accepted contracts from Black Org from time to time, but they were an independent faction."

"... How the heck does that work? Secret mafias aren't the trustin' type usually."

"Strange as it is to say... Looks like the two bosses were friends." Kudo sighed. "They've been around a while, and the police is likely still full of moles and sleeper agents who might have been eating from two plates. Hence coming to you. The guys we're after weren't working in Osaka. It's going to be a long investigation," Kudo said quietly, apologetic. "Might take months or even years. The leads are really thin on the ground."

Heiji nodded and gathered the papers. "No problem. I'll keep an eye out." He flicked him a little smile. "So you're not expecting a flash of brilliance today then?"

Kudo huffed, pretend-offended. "You mean an act of totally random luck? No, I'm good."

"Oi!" Heiji retorted, and lobbed a cushion at him. "Ass. See if I spend all day poring over this file, just for you."

"Well, seeing that we leave tomorrow morning with the first train, and you're still on break for another week..." Kudo shrugged a little, looked away. "The case has been cold for the last twelve years. Another afternoon won't hurt..."

Heiji stared at him. Sounded like Kudo was telling him they could go and do something fun together instead, and the nasty boring work could wait, but that couldn't be right -- working on cases _was_ what Kudo did for fun.

"Ya really came to introduce th' new in-law, didn't cha."

Kudo coughed in his hand, eyes skipping away.

"So." Heiji put his elbows on the coffee table, loosened his shoulders and spine, quieted his voice. "Is it over? You and me?"

Resolved as he was to let that facet of their relationship slip away to preserve the friendship if necessary, he couldn't help but feel relieved when Kudo -- when Shinichi startled and stared at him. "No! Why the hell would you think that?"

"Well... I'm more of your best friend with sex sprinkled on top. But he's -- he's more like your and neechan's common _boyfriend_ , ain't he. So..."

Shinichi scowled at him, the mulish, vaguely sulky one that meant 'oh god you're being stupid again, whyyy'. "Both of you fall into the boyfriend category for me," he informed him, a little bit of a growl in his voice. "Different flavors of such, but yes, you're my goddamn boyfriend too. Got a problem with that?"

Heiji could feel his cheeks heating up by the second. He hung his head, embarrassed. He couldn't stop smiling.

"...You're an idiot sometimes, you know."

"Aw, Kudo, shaddap and come here so I can kiss you."

He was the one who went to Shinichi, though, shuffling on hands and knees around the low table. Shinichi watched him approach, an elbow on the table and his button-up shirt cracked open at the collar. Heiji knelt between his stretched-out legs and leaned in, eyes caught in that shadowed corner at his collarbone. "So he won't mind if I...?"

"Oh no," said Kuroba's low, quietly amused voice behind him. "I won't mind _at all_."

Heiji stopped moving, lips a few inches away from Shinichi's throat.

That tone of voice -- it was pure Kid, all mystery and cultured sensuality, a hint of catlike playfulness. But the timbre... even their voices sounded similar, and Heiji had long since developed a Pavlovian response to some of Shinichi's inflexions. This one held strange echoes of 'Let me explain exactly why you played right into my hands, Mr. Culprit,' just perhaps not as dark, or dark in a different way.

He couldn't turn around.

"My apologies for the disturbance," Kid was saying, tone light and airy once again, but it sounded far away to Heiji's ears. "Tantei-kun, Tantei-han..."

Shinichi stared up past Heiji's head, eyes dark and intense, an eyebrow arched like a silent question. Heiji's fingers curled into fists on the mats.

"... Tantei-han?"

This time the voice was coming from his side and a little behind, close enough to touch. He saw a hand lift from behind him, unhurried, elegant.

Shinichi mimicked it, his own hand coming up like a mirror image, until their fingertips met.

Heiji stopped breathing. Kuroba gave a low, knowing chuckle from behind him. Shinichi said "Ah, that's what it was," unsurprised.

Heiji groaned and dropped his forehead on Shinichi's shoulder. "Just shaddap, both of ya. Not my fault you're -- it's like buy one, get one free."

They both chuckled at that. They had different laughs.

"Package deal, huh?" Kuroba said, voice oddly thoughtful, oddly gentle. Shinichi's fingers slipped in between his to squeeze his hand. "... Very well." He squeezed back.

They let go of each other at the same time, with the same motion. It was strangely fascinating.

"You've _practiced_ ," Heiji accused, unable to look away.

"You aren't the only one with a twin kink," Kudo countered, a pained wince on his face.

Kuroba snickered and leaned closer, until he could rest his chin on Heiji's shoulder. "Yep. We're surrounded by perverts."

"Like you can talk! Ya _narcissist_." Wasn't the best comeback, but being more or less sandwiched between the two of them was a bit distracting.

Kuroba gave a little disdainful sniff. "I date him _despite_ his face, not because of it. Though if he was a cute Shin-chan instead... Hmm."

"Stop imagining me with breasts. It's not happening."

"But we can rebuild you! We have the technology!"

" _Kaito_. No fake breasts on me. No skirts, no frilly tops, no ass-length wigs."

Kuroba craned his neck to look at Heiji, totally ignoring Shinichi's last comments. "And he dates me because I can put on many, many other faces. Breasts optional."

Oh god. He could too, considering what he got up to while on heists. Heiji was almost starting to imagine it, only then Shinichi leaned forward and pressed his mouth to Kuroba's, swallowing that bright laugh. Kuroba gave a little grunt of appreciation. Heiji's pants somehow became a size too small.

Shinichi broke the kiss, by less than an inch of space, and whispered against Kuroba's lips, "Concentrate. It's _showtime_."

Kuroba's eyes flared at the word, and he pressed his chest against Heiji's back to catch Shinichi's mouth again. Heiji couldn't stop staring. He thought maybe there were minute differences between the two of them, between their faces, and if he had enough time to memorize them -- the shade of their eyes was the biggest hint, one slightly richer, the other a more metallic blue...

But there were mouths to watch, the flash of a pink tongue, the wet gloss on parted lips.

Kuroba's hand rose to caress Shinichi's cheek, to slowly rake through his hair until it was just as much of a mess as his own. Their mouths parted wetly, and when they smirked at each other it was -- not the same smirk, not immediately so, but progressively Shinichi's grew wider and more manic, Kuroba's sharper, more remote, and then Heiji couldn't really see a difference.

Shinichi glanced at him, pointedly; Kuroba followed a heartbeat behind, the gesture and expression mimicked almost perfectly. "Freakin' creepy," Heiji breathed out, a hand slipping down to his tented pants.

It was caught by two hands, two almost-synchronized tssk-tssks in his ears. Kuroba produced a long length of blue silk from somewhere Heiji didn't see, and he had a laughing, what the hell thought that if all else failed he could always test them out on sleight of hand and other magician paraphernalia.

And then they blindfolded him.

Someone kissed him. He gave a grunt of protest against Shinichi's (?) mouth, raked the air behind him to grab onto the thief, but caught only air and not even a breeze to tell him which direction Kuroba had dodged. And then Shinichi was getting up as well and abandoning him-- "Hey! No fair, I wanta see you, damnit!"

"Just a sec, Hattori," came a voice just a bit too far to his side to be Shinichi's, even though it sounded exactly like it, timbre and diction and easy lack of honorifics and all. Or maybe he had misread the rustles of cloth and socked feet on wooden floor and it _was_ Shinichi, he was starting to doubt himself.

"Okay, you can look."

They were both seated on the edge of the coffee table, wearing nothing but white button-up shirts. _Why not naked?_ he wondered in passing. Oh, right, unless Kuroba'd gotten gutshot same place as Kudo, their scars wouldn't match. Or maybe they were both natural-born teases. The way they sat, he couldn't see their cocks, just legs pressed together and shadows, just two identical smirks and wild bedhead hair that mingled at the ends, so close they were.

Unbuttoning a shirt and checking for hard proof would be cheating. Argh. Heiji groaned in dismay and shifted on his knees so he would face them both, placed his hands on one bare knee each, looking from one to the other. The shade of their eyes -- argh! how could he see a thing when they watched him through heavy-lidded eyes, tilted their heads so their hair would shadow them, so -- so they could... kiss again. Oh, wow.

His hands tightened unconsciously on their knees as he watched them, and one of them laughed from deep in his throat (Kudo laughed like that sometimes, when they were fucking and he'd gotten the best of Heiji again), and the other one smirked that perfect Kudo-smirk, smug and ironic, with that hint of pleasure -- of affection -- lurking underneath.

"Goddamn if this ain't the best way to be left out there ever is."

"Poor dear," one of them teased, his hand curling on his twin's thigh, high up, and sliding until it _almost_ disappeared in that tantalizing shadow. Heiji whined in the back of his throat.

"Tssk," the other twin said. "That's just cruel of you. Me? Us?"

"I'm pretty sure you'd be just as cruel if you'd spoken first, so definitely us."

They were _still feeling each other up!_ Auuugh. And all that porny kissing. Augh augh augh.

They sneaked him a glance, almost synchronized once again. "Should we..."

"... Do something? He does seem..."

"A bit neglected."

Identical devious grins -- Kudo about to do something really evil to a suspect -- and then Heiji was tackled onto the tatami. He blinked the daze out of his eyes, caught himself staring down the shadow-filled front of two shirts looking for scars.

Ooh, boy nipples.

One of them kissed his way up Heiji's jaw. The other one kissed his shoulder through his clothes, pushed a hand up the bottom of his t-shirt. So uh, that'd make the jaw-kisser Kudo? Since he was about to kiss him on the moouuh _oh lord_ , the mouth, and surely Kuroba didn't know how they kissed usually.

Though the calluses circling his nipple felt remarkably familiar, and Kuroba did kiss Kudo himself, and they played that game with Ran too and shit, he was tangling himself up, in thoughts and in the t-shirt they'd his pushed up over his face, pulled up to his elbow and left there, trapping his arms over his head.

"Damn it! Not fair, I wanta touch you back--" His arms were still caught. He wriggled a little to free himself; a hand closed on the cloth between his wrists to keep him trapped. "Aw, c'mon, Kud--"

Was it Kudo? He wasn't gonna call the wrong one by that name, it was a matter of pride. He glared instead, making the young man over him smirk.

"Hm? What were you going to say?"

"Why don't you _deduce_ it," Heiji growled back, and tugged at the hold pinning his wrists down. (Not half as hard as he could have. It was, he could get himself out of the hold if he had to, and he wouldn't have to, they'd heed any no he gave, he trusted that, but it was -- hot, just. Hot. He hadn't thought it'd be his thing, not like it was Hakuba's or even Kudo's, it had never pinged him, watching them, but--)

"Your mouth says you want to touch us back, but your pocket cannon is hinting otherwise," said the other Kudo, hand fitting itself boldly over his cloth-covered crotch and pressing down against the tent his cock was making.

"What's that, Hattori-kun," (-kun? Not Kudo...) "--smuggling katana now?"

Another hand on him, cupping him through his pants, sure and firm. Two hands feeling and cupping and squeezing him, his balls and his dick, the inside of his thighs, his taint. He wanted to feel their skin, it was driving him crazy.

"C'mon, do I have to beg?" he asked, half frustrated and half begging already.

"I don't know," one of the Kudos asked, and the other one followed with, "Do you have to?"

He gave a frustrated, growling cry and briefly struggled against his bonds. Two hands pressed against his dick, pressed his dick against his belly through his fly, and it was intense, it almost hurt.

"I. Fuck. _Please_."

The grin they shared over him, he couldn't -- he didn't know who was imitating who, who had started it first and who had followed, the difference had been so minute as to be counted in tenths of a second.

He was unzipped and undressed in short order and then the Kudo behind him caught him around the base, firm and without warning, without hesitation (if he wasn't already his lover wouldn't he hesitate a little) and the Kudo in front leaned in and kissed the sweat beading on the tip of his nose and smiled.

"You realize you're getting fucked today, yes?" he said. (Kudo wouldn't have _told_ , how they didn't really, not much, hands and mouth and frottage but not much that, it wasn't really Heiji's thing (he wanted it so bad it burned.))

"No _humping_ ," the other Kudo purred. "No thigh-fucking, no, not today."

(How'd he know about how much Heiji loved thigh-fucking, how'd he guess, was it just a guess was it--)

"Which one of us do you want to lube you up?" the one at his back said, and (oh god being opened up) (a stranger wouldn't, wouldn't do this, too intimate, it would be a little gross if they weren't intimate, wouldn't it? wasn't it?)

"Both," Heiji managed somehow after ten seconds of blank-minded panting. "Both--" (see who flinches) (what if neither one does, two hands pushing and sliding fingers into him, too much, it would hurt but oh. Oh.)

"That's cheating," the Kudo in front said, clacking his tongue (Heiji _knew_ that noise.) "And we wouldn't mind cheating, but..."

"We're sadly not prepping you to take both of us at once," the Kudo at his back said, reproving (but amused underneath, so amused. Intrigued.)

"Why the hell not?!"

They snorted, laughed at him. The one in back nuzzled the side of his head, chuckling into his hair. "Greedy. Prove you can handle one of us first."

Heiji whined in his throat and kicked blindly at nothing much. "I hate you so much. Shit. Okay. You."

It was the practical choice, it was a choice he barely thought about, the one in front -- easier, he was already between Heiji's legs and Heiji liked the solid brace of the Kudo at his back too much, his warmth, the nails circling his nipple.

He spread his legs easy and helped move his hips on Kudo's lap, shuddered when the Kudo at his front pushed his knee up for the Kudo at his back to take, to pull up to Heiji's chest (no hesitation, no confusion -- like one person, one will in two bodies.) He slipped his bound wrists around the Kudo at his back's neck, to brace, to hold on (to keep from grabbing for the hand sliding underneath him.) His shoulders ached from the strain but he'd deal with it, he was fine.

It wasn't his thing, being penetrated, he didn't mind but it did nothing much for him and so they didn't much -- Kudo's fingers slipped in, wet with lube he hadn't even noticed (sleight of hand?) and his spine arched and he clenched hard, all warm and stretched nice and full (Kudo, Kudo--)

One of them slipped inside him, nudged themselves a space inside him and one of them pumped his cock all long and slow and he didn't even know how they managed to hold him balanced on the knife's edge for such an eternity but then Kudo was fucking him and he was trying to fuck Kudo's hand, bent in two at the waist and pumped, fucked so hard it burned (it was good.)

When he felt himself coming he slipped his bound arms around the neck of the Kudo balls-deep inside him and held on tight, and came with a raw grunt that couldn't get enough air to be a scream.

Took some doing after that to lower them both down to the floor. The boy behind him rolled half-free, his hand cradling the back of Heiji's head so he wouldn't hit it on the floor.

"Shinichi," Heiji rasped, and gave the Kudo on top of him the gimlet eye, hair sticking to his face with sweat. "D'you come inside me."

Kudo (the real one) snorted, bit back a smile. "Whoops."

"... Mm." Right now Heiji thought he even liked it. Wouldn't later, when he had to clean up, but now he did.

"Calling him by his little name, hmm?" Kuroba said from the side, and flicked a lock of Heiji's hair away from the bridge of his nose. "You sound pretty sure."

Heiji craned his neck to peek down the undone top of his button-up shirt.

Yeah. No gut scar, but one over the heart, faint and old. Nothing his Kudo had ever had.

"Yep. I was right."

Kuroba pursed his lips. "Oh, really. How'd you figure it out, then? Let's hear it, Detective."

Heiji blinked. "... Instinct? Not that I'd have minded if it was you. Dunno."

He turned a little on his side, patiently tugging his wrists free of the shirt; Kudo draped himself against his back, rested his cheek against Heiji's cheek. Kuroba... sat up. Still smiling.

Alright, and unless all the evidence had gone off to, oh, the _ceiling_ , and Heiji had missed the rest of his reaction somehow, Kuroba hadn't come. And he was soft now, so...?

"Um. Kuroba?"

He was still combing through Heiji's hair. "Hm?"

"You didn't...?"

"Enjoy myself? Oh, I did." And now he was _purring_. Ngh. "Watching you come undone was a fascinating experience. I feel honored."

He gave Heiji's hair a last scritch and a pat, then smoothly climbed to his feet, and walked out with a little wave and not another word.

"He's getting a washcloth," Shinichi told him lazily. Heiji shuffled on his side to look at him properly, a little lost, wondering if he'd done anything wrong after all.

"Uhh. Kudo?"

"Ah." Shinichi sighed, and then laughed a little. "He's... I know it's hard to imagine, but... He's straight."

Whuh?

Okay, this was about the last thing Heiji had been expecting to hear about a guy who in the last hour only had kissed two other guys full on the mouth -- with _tongue_ \-- had his hands all over Heiji's dick, and borderline _cuddled_ him as Heiji got his ass reamed by their common _boyfriend_.

"You're right," he said, a little strangled, "that's _really_ hard." He pushed himself up into a sitting position to stare at Kudo better. (--wow, he was going to feel his ass tonight. Wow. Nice.) "Uh, but he and you --"

"Mostly straight," Shinichi rectified, and rolled his eyes. "His love for mindfucks just happens to transcend all barriers."

"... Pff." Heiji grinned down at him. "Well then, match made in heaven."

Kudo swatted at him, which didn't make Heiji snicker any less.

\--

At the end of the visit Kuroba was speaking in perfect Osaka-ben. Heiji lorded it over Kudo all the way to the train station. From the way Kuroba winked at him, he knew Kuroba would keep it up until they were back to destination.

Or until Kudo shoved him outta the nearest window, whichever came first.

Now that would make for a fun investigation. Not that Heiji deluded himself into thinking Kid would ever hit the rails.

Man. He needed to make progress on that investigation quick, so he'd have an excuse to go and visit them back. At least now he knew what he was gonna spend every waking minute of his leftover vacation on.


	2. Heiji - Outtake

The moon was up and the garden was gorgeous, all decked in silvery shadows. Heiji knew such a traditional garden was getting increasingly rarer in Japan and someone his age should probably have scoffed at it for being outmoded and fussy, but he was his mother's son and so instead once they were done fooling around in the bathtub he'd gotten his guests yukatas to wear and a cup of sake each so they could admire the reflection of the moon in their pond and the cups both. It was so crazy traditional it was almost cliché, only missing the gentle drizzle of sakura petals, alas not in season. It... spoke to him anyway. 

Kuroba was balancing his full sake cup on his forehead, but quietly, and Heiji had no trouble believing that this was the most discreet he could make himself be. Heiji snorted out a laugh and nudged him with his foot.

"Yer gonna hurt something bein' so quiet. You don't drink?"

"Eh, not often." He turned laughing eyes on Heiji; Heiji catalogued the expression, utterly unlike any of Kudo's and horribly endearing anyway. "Am I scaring you? I promise I know how to simmer down and stay put without it being a harbinger of doom."

"Uh huh, sure," Heiji teased. "I'm buyin' that sight unseen."

"Usually I wouldn't believe him either," Kudo said from Kuroba's other side, leaning forward so he could smirk at Heiji past his doppelganger's head. "This is one situation that fits the parameters of those rare exceptions."

"Which is?" Heiji prompted, sure the answer would be something like 'when he's post-mind-coital'.

"Well, there's fish in your pond."

"Oi!" Suddenly two sake cups were resting on the gallery floor, and Kuroba was on Kudo, attempting to cover his mouth with his hand.

"There's... fish in my pond," Heiji repeated slowly.

Kudo twisted his head aside to free his mouth, caught Kuroba's wrists. "And if he's too noisy -- gack! -- they might hear him and track him down... slowly... flopping around on the ground... all wet and gluey and _scaly_... Until they _find_ him..."

Kuroba shuddered, slunk off Kudo and gave him a jaundiced look. "I hate you forever. I'm going home and taking Ran and we're going on the lam without you." A pause. "Also I'm drinking your sake." He picked up both cups and gathered them close, hunching over them.

Kudo sat up, primly batted imaginary dust off his yukata, and grinned at Heiji over his bowed head. "Kidding. Actually he's being quiet because he's post-mind-coital."

"There's always a little more room for a small, quick mindfuck," Kuroba grumbled under his breath, even as Heiji laughed. "Hope you don't sleep too deeply tonight."

There was a story behind that fish thing. One that sounded very interesting and possibly hilarious; sadly Kuroba would probably include him in his night revenge before he let anything good slip, and Kudo might tease but wasn't gonna share, so Heiji dropped it. "Aw, but you'd wake me too, and do I deserve it?"

"Pff, you won't hear a thing. No one will. Especially not Shinichi. Mwahaha."

Heiji snickered and shook his head. "Taking you at your word, man. Now tell me how you like the sake."

They drank in silence, quiet falling back all around; after a few seconds of puppy eyes Kuroba unbent enough to hand Shinichi one of the cups and let him join them. The night was too calm, too deep for horsing around for long, normal speaking voices resonating too loud.

When Heiji spoke again it was in a hushed tone, mindful of the night. "So hey, Kudo, you seen Sa-- Hakuba recently?"

Kuroba perked up. "I think I saw Tantei-san more recently than Shinichi did... Why?"

"Ah." Damn, that was right, Kid knew Hakuba too, Heiji'd almost forgotten tracking him was Hakuba's favorite pastime. "Er, no reason. He's going to the Police Academy nearby, so we started hanging out, but he's on break right now." Hakuba got a little weird when he was around his family for too long and didn't get to see any of his friends, but Heiji didn't want to say that out loud, it'd feel like an invasion of privacy and Hakuba was real intense about that.

Kuroba gave a wincing laugh. "Oh! That's right. I'd almost managed to make myself forget."

... And of course the nosy thief knew about the sex bits, too. "Oi, you make it sound like something horrible. It's not like he's hard on the eyes naked--"

" _Hakuba-kun just doesn't go there!_ "

Kudo gave a musing, innocent hum Heiji trusted not a bit. "Well, actually, he did. Repeatedly." Kuroba made a whimpery noise.

"So, huh... know him well?"

"High school classmate. We're still friends in mundane life, actually, so argh, hello brainbreak."

Huh. Funny that Kuroba had no trouble making out with a guy or even more so long as it was funny, but his classmate doing it in earnest gave him hives. Weird, but then again there were plenty of people Heiji liked tons who he'd claw his eyes out rather than see naked. Just happened that most o' them were old enough to be his dad, or otherwise dad-like, or some other type of 'would never tap _ever_ ' category.

"Just wanted to know how he's doin' is all." He shrugged, tried to look casual. From the way Kuroba started grinning, he'd failed. Crap.

"Oooooooooh. Oho! I _see_."

"Oh, look, a pond," said Kudo apropos of nothing. Kuroba shuddered.

"... Well, he's still married to Holmes and his right hand. Or was it his left..."

"Please tell me you don't actually know."

Kuroba snickered. "I didn't push the surveillance that far, no. But his dad's off at a police conference and his granddad at a medical one -- he's got a panel to present or something -- so Hakuba-kun is alone with his housekeeper a lot, but I think he's using the time to catch up on his funtime reading, instead of procedure and things, so he seems happy as could be."

"... Yer kind of a creep, ain't 'cha. Stalker."

"Friendly concern!"

Heiji glanced at Kudo to see if he minded -- because fair bet he was under the exact same kind of surveillance, though likely it was easier when Kuroba could just invite himself over whenever -- but Kudo was watching the back of Kuroba's head with a strange soft-sad look that totally failed to be creeped out. No ally there, but probably Issues and some kind of angst he wasn't gonna be privy to until they got a whole lot closer than boyfriend's best friend and helpful masturbator boyfriend-clone guy. Heiji sighed and reclined on his hands, swinging his legs over the edge of the gallery.

"Man, this arrangement's gettin' complicated. I got a fiancée... a boyfriend, a ... sorta boyfriend-sorta friends with benefits without the friendly bits..."

"Hakuba-kun?" Kudo noted, deducing that, well, Heiji and Kuroba were being pretty friendly actually, if not real close yet. "You spar."

Heiji was forced to concede that for a guy like Hakuba that was indeed pretty friendly. They bantered too. It was fun, in a weird prickly way, wholly different from his and Kudo's laid-back friendship. "... Okay, yeah, friends with benefits. And now there's a ... friendly helping hand? The heck. We're gonna haveta make up new words, the language's deficient."

Kuroba chuckled and wriggled his fingers teasingly. Kudo scratched his chin. "Do only the ones we personally have sex with count? Because it seems strange not to count Kazuha-san when I list my own entanglements. She's important to you and to Ran both, and I do like her, and -- well, neither of us is interested in more, but 'friend' doesn't seem to fit onto someone who's seen my fiancée naked..."

Heiji coughed. Yeah, naked and had their fingers all up her ladybits, too. "Girlfriend by proxy? I got no problem with that. ... Hell, Kuroba, you're not boffing anyone else on the side, are you?"

"Alas," he said with a straight face, "I am remarkably vanilla."

Kudo tilted his head and gave Kuroba his eagle stare, the one that made him look mildly telepathic and about to go 'aha! You're hiding something from me _and I know exactly what it is_ '. "Anyone you'd like to add, though? If you could?"

Kuroba didn't speak for a couple of too-long, telling seconds. In the end he gave up on pretending otherwise, voice coming out all subdued. "... But I can't. This one chance's been long lost, and besides I seriously doubt she would have been open to the idea of sharing. I..." He met Kudo's eyes, and his voice softened just a tiny little bit more. "... That ... might be a sticking point. Now."

Kudo didn't say anything, just nudged him with his knee.

They were so adorable it was getting embarrassing; hell, they'd managed to embarrass themselves, if the way they had to break eye contact and attempt -- badly -- to seem casual said anything. "So hey, Kudo, far as labels go, can I be your non-loveydovey boyfriend?" Heiji asked pointedly. "As opposed to... Well."

Kuroba sneaked him a long, narrow-eyed look. Kudo bit his lip to keep from laughing.

"Think I just brought myself an express ticket ta Prank-ville."

Kuroba's grin was wide, and about as innocent as a crocodile's. "You wound me. Would I wreck unholy revenge upon my host?"

" _Yes,_ " Heiji and Kudo chorused immediately. Heiji leaned across Kuroba's legs to plot with Kudo more closely. "I got sardines in the fridge. We can lay a defensive perimeter."

"Hey, that's no fair!"

"Shush, you, you're not invited to the heist prevention talk."

"He never is," Kudo said with mock-philosophy, "yet it never does seem to stop him. But I think if we add a couple kois in fishbowls at strategic points we can revolutionize Kid-proof security."

"Taking Ran," Kuroba was singing between clenched teeth, "Running away... Never again... Couch forever..."

Kudo's innocent look could have beat Kuroba's hands down, wide eyes all glittery with moonlight. "Ne, Hattori, doesn't your father have that old shark skull mounted on a plate hidden away in his attic?"

" _Augh._ "

"There, there, sappy boyfriend."

"... Thank you so much, couch boyfriend."

Heiji poured them both another cup, and grinned in the night.


End file.
